Crippling illness attacks Peace Corps volunteers

A recent survey has discovered a potentially serious illness targeting Peace Corps volunteers in Peru. The Peace Corps Blues — or PCB — is feared to be responsible for the incapacitation of dozens of volunteers in May alone — with many of the victims being struck without warning.

"It just hit me suddenly, you know?" said Geoffrey Lord, a current Peace Corps volunteer living just outside of Lima. "One minute I was dancing to cumbia and discussing the merits of sustainable development, and the next I was running outside to call my friend in tears, screaming about how much I love and support [President] Obama."

Although PCB is not known to be fatal, symptoms include: hating everything Peruvian, idolizing everything from the United States, being irrationally sensitive, never wanting to leave mosquito netting, crying over spilled SODIS water, lashing out at small children, and general irritability.

More than what some psychologists call "homesickness," PCB attacks volunteers at their idealistic core. Persistent introspection worsens their condition, with such questions as: "What am I even doing here?" ... "What difference can I actually make?" ... "Why did I ever think this was a good idea?" ... and "Where the %$@* am I? Seriously?"

Like herpes or a stubborn case of giardiasis, PCB can lie dormant for months before an outbreak occurs.

"I thought I was perfectly fine, and then it hit me twice in one month," recounted Julie Fast, a health volunteer based in the Andean department of Cajamarca. "It was nasty."

There is no cure for PCB, but treatments for the condition include: Ceviche, calling another PCV across the country and talking for three hours, ice-cold Coca-Cola, watching President Obama's inauguration speech on YouTube, eating chocolate, going to the beach, going to the beach and eating chocolate, watching NBC's "The Office" entire season 3 in one sitting, shouting English curse words to cat-callers, and yoga.

Despite an outcry by volunteers' parents, the World Health Organization has denied plans to take further action.

"They see no reason to raise the advisory to level six," said Jason Pickens of the New York Times.

Causes of the disease are yet unknown, but some speculate there could be a correlation between PCB and a volunteer's peanut butter intake.

Further research on the long-term effects of PCB are pending.

— With reporting by Sarah Walker.